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Diciembre 18, 2007
Memoir - Chapter 3: Strength and Weakness
At a moment in my life when I felt the strongest, God has chosen to expose a significant and life changing weakness. At a moment when riding 100 miles and climbing mountains was more and more possible, when I was climbing into the ranks of those hard guys who can push their bodies hard in that sort of thing. I was climbing over missionary ridge in faster and faster times. I was climbing mountains strongly without having to stop halfway up. I was joining the race club, and was looking forward to a winter of training rides that would push me into better and better condition. (In fact the ride on October 6 was the very first time I wore the race club kit, jersey and shorts full of color and sponsors. I was feeling like a racer!)
But now there is this weakness, this exposure in my body that says everything is not all right. It was really hard to take. Its hard to be told that it is dangerous to get stronger. Its hard to be told that I’ll be limited. Its hard to think that exploits are not possible.
It felt like an insult, like a statement from God: “So there, You can’t do what you want to do. In fact, I don’t want you to do what you enjoy” That’s hard to take. One thing I was passionate about and felt was a good expression for my body and balance in my life was being taken away. 
In fact that one thing had become for me a moment of worship and celebration. I remember several rides where I would start being consumed with all the “better things” I should be doing. Suddenly in the midst of my condemnation, I would be overwhelmed with the glory of God expressed in the East Tennessee landscape. I would celebrate God’s goodness and worship him while I was riding. But now, even this was being taken away.
The original incident was caused by my stupidity. I hydrated very poorly in that ride, I really overextended my self, and I thought that was the reason for my incident. I learned from that, felt like I knew what I should do in the future, how to be smart and not let this happen. Even with the pacemaker, I felt like I’d be ok, I’d be able to enjoy a hard ride. I’d get a heart monitor and not let my pace get into the range where there might be a problem.
But there is more, there is the cardiomyopathy – a weakness, sickness in my heart muscle. It doesn’t let me just keep doing what I wanted to do. That doesn’t let me be strong and smart. Its weakness in my flesh. It might be getting worse or better. That was a hard blow. The first day I drove up to the pharmacy to fill my prescription I was really depressed. It seemed like such a reversal to be joining the ranks of the chemically dependent. I didn’t want to be chained by the pill bottle.
So this became a new arena of my sickness: The emotions, the spiritual. Here I’ve discovered, recovery has been much different. This is the hard work for me. This is where the struggle is ongoing.
| By rob | 07:41 AM
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