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Diciembre 20, 2007
Memoir - Chapter 4: My Dad
I’ve mentioned my dad a few times already. December 20 is a particularly appropriate date to think about him. My dad died 18 years ago on December 20. His heart stopped while he was standing in friend’s kitchen in Mexico city. He was attended by an EMT within 30 seconds but was dead within 2 or 3 minutes. We never got an autopsy, so don’t know exactly what his condition was. But we know he had some electrical issues with his heart, and had experienced some blackout spells earlier that week. While we aren’t sure, we think his was a similar arrhythmia to mine – but he didn’t survive.
Now dad was always intending to get more physical exercise. He knew he needed to be more fit, but he wasn’t. And his life didn’t give him the room. Even the week before he died, he told mom about the blackouts and said “If I wasn’t leaving the country tomorrow, I’d go have these checked out” When I was a small child he even had a bike. I remember riding in the child seat to nursery school. But it was stolen, and by the time he replaced it - 10 years later – there was no room in his life for the exercise a bike could represent.
God used cycling to create in my heart a strength that was not present in the heart of my father. I have to admit that God use that strength to save my life. I am grateful.
But my consistent reaction is to think that God used strengths in my father to do work I can never imagine being done through me. So my thoughts when I compare our stories usually are “Why am I here and he is not?” How can it be that God’s plan was not to let him do what he was? Dad was so busy, motivated by a clear call, successful in his work, incredibly useful. He was 45. In the usual self-depreciation of comparison I think myself lazy, question my call, don’t see movement or success and don’t feel used. I’m 38. So I ask, "What is Gods plan that has been left for me for my future? This is part of it, but what?"
Neither caricature is true. I know of my father’s struggles and failures. I know the good work I do and where God has blessed me. I know the hard things in both our lives. But I still find myself asking: "God what are you doing? What am I doing here when Dad is not?"
| By rob | 10:09 AM
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