My job is not what I was called to do. What I do from 9 to 5 has very little to do with any deeper interests, loves or dreams. But I see clearly how God has provided the job, as well as the calling outside of it. My question is how to reconcile these two realities?
A little personal history:
My heritage is men who found employment as ministers, missionaries or educators, callings that were held up as normative. My father was a missionary, and completely motivated – even identified by his work. My mother joked about his fidelity – she didn’t worry about another woman because the mistress was his work. The model I see in cousins, uncles, grandparents is heavily promoted in the broader evangelical world: identity, personal motivation and even spiritual significance are deeply connected to employment.
This was my model. I prepared for a life in ministry or in scholarship, spent two years in mission work, completed a masters degree and planned for further postgraduate education. But God intervened: First there was a period of ministerial failure so intense that I couldn’t help but question my fit with the vocation. Then while planning the next step in postgraduate scholarship, God sent a child – family responsibilities that forced me to the marketplace. “Kids are in the mix now, boy – go get a job!”
So I went to the monolithic major employer in town. The place we’d laughed about being the last chance opportunity. “If everything else falls apart – you could always get a job at…”. And I’ve been there seven years.
The years have been good. I brought the inquisitiveness of the scholar, the dedication of evangelical ministry and the ethic of a heritage with me to the marketplace and success has followed. My ideas have been well received and my plate has filled with responsibility. I’ve had the opportunity to be salt and light in my world, to be genuine about the beliefs that are so dear. I have certainly found God in the Marketplace.
But every day I get home and wonder, “What significance is this work fulfilling? What broader purpose am I involved in here? Is this really where I want to invest my life?” When my eyes are drawn to the New Yorker and to ALDaily.com rather than Barron’s and WSJ.Com I wonder – what am I doing here?
There is another reality in my work. While I got the a job to provide for my family, the work was not what God had called me to do. I saw quickly that God gave me a job that would provide for my family while I could still dedicate mental energy to other matters. The real work was personal: to explore the knots in relations with my Lord, my wife and myself. My work was in the dreams and practices of a local congregation. My work was in the love of issues and ideas that move a larger Church. These “extracurricular” labors, denigrated by such classification; are my primary interest. The paying job is extracurricular.
But as my vision for a true curriculum has grown, I continue to wonder; “Is it right for me to waste a eight hours of very weekday in the business trenches - not leaving time to pursue my hearts work?”
So this is the crux – does the lay ministry model work? Should I actively pursue a line that pays for my most direct interests? Are the words of my Grandfather true, that life not lived in full time service of the Lord is essentially wasted?
Alongside is this other question: Is the professional ministry model normative or is it rather an ideal foisted on the church by those who have the luxury. Is it an illusory ideal feasible only in an era of modern affluence that is far from the realm of the normal. When I read the books on calling, on meaning, on Christian identity – they all seem to be written by the professional Christians and biased in that direction. If Basketball for Dummies was written by Michael Jordan -- could we ever be like Mike?
Hyphenated Identity.
I have long known the reality of a hyphenated identity. Growing up overseas, I never felt entirely comfortable with the “American” identity, but did not have an entirely Ecuadorian identity either. A curious mix of the two, I was hyphenated. This seems to be true in my work as well. My calling seems to have been hyphenated. I am supposed to live in this confusion and challenge between a bill paying job and a heart building love.
As always – we build our theology and application around the easy test cases. It certainly is very straightforward to identify a vocational theology that states: God has one place for you to express your gifts. That one place will pay your bills, will fulfill your need for identity and significance, will be your career. There are certainly examples of that model – I saw them in my family. The pastors writing “Find the will of God” manuals usually land there. But on the back pew of church where I live, the cases are more messy. The curveballs of life point to mis-steps and unexpected circumstances. My obligations required a bill paying job. In other cases, an unfaithful wife causes divorce and ends her husband’s dream of a pastorate. A temper can’t be controlled and burns all bridges in a position of ministry. Life forces hyphens into our identity, and my suspicion is this hyphenated identity is more prevalent than we like to imagine.
Just as a “single shot - will of God model” doesn’t seem to pass the correspondence test, most Christian “self help” models seem to be artificially simplified, to the point of allowing us the possibility of independent success. We do a disservice to the gospel, and the power of Christ – if we read scriptures as a self help manual we can follow by ourselves. In fact the matters of greater importance in the gospel are the ones that we typically cannot understand, cannot ever imagine ourselves successfully accomplishing, and therefore must throw ourselves on God’s grace in dependence and submission, asking for his help.
I am convinced that God has put me in such a hyphenated identity for a purpose – and that is to show me his grace. The position is not comfortable, the identity is not easily understood on my own. This life is full of nagging regrets and uncomfortable dissonance. But I pray. And looking back on 6 years of this hyphenation, I see God’s work. It wasn’t clear at the time. I didn’t know for sure it was happening – but I see God’s work. And I praise him.
