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29 de Enero 2008
Memoir - Chapter 6: Getting Kicked in the Chest
Note: This is part of a larger series. Start here to read the whole thing.
For Thanksgiving this year we drove to Peoria Il, to Marialice’s family. I took the mountain bike. Peoria has some great trails in the hills that climb out of the Illinois river valley. There was an organized ride on Saturday that I wanted to join. But I wanted to escape the cramped house on Black Friday and I didn’t want to shop. So I put my bike on the back of the van and drove to the forest preserve.
I got dressed, put the bike together and rode up the double track dirt road. It followed a creek up a tight valley, past fields and through trees. In about 10 minutes the road went through the creek 3 times. I was enjoying a cool sunny day in the woods. My pace was leisurely, I wasn’t out to be rushed or work hard. I was looking for side trails I might explore, thinking I’d get to a group of trails I’d seen the last time I rode in the preserve. I wanted to circle them all the way back to the bottom of the valley.
Right after the third creek crossing I stood up to push myself out of the ford bottom. Suddenly I noticed a strange dizziness, a light-headed absence. I felt no pain, no darkness, no lack of balance, I just knew something wasn’t right. I barely had time to identify the strangeness when my chest exploded. The shock hit me hard, it pushed the air out of my chest, I saw stars and felt warm. I didn’t fall off my bike. As I pedaled slowly trying to figure out what was going on - it hit me again. I took off my glove to try to get a pulse. With my fingers on my throat I felt the pulse slow and steady, but then it wasn’t there… BAM! It fired again. I got shocked 5 times.
I stopped and stood up over the bike and took a deep breath. A million questions running in my head. I realized that no one was around me. I heard other riders in the woods, but how long would it be before someone found me? I didn’t know if I had the cell phone in my back pocket. But did I even have coverage? Was this a malfunction of the defibrillator or was something going on in my heart? Was I an idiot or just unlucky?
I turned around and slowly, very slowly pedaled back down the valley. Through the three creeks and back up to the van. As I was putting the bike back on the van another woman was putting her bike together. Instead of asking her for help I made petty small talk about it being a beautiful day to ride. What would she do if she knew? I started to steel myself - no one should know about this. I started convincing myself I was ok. I wonder what I looked like. Was I white as a ghost?
I drove to the nearest town, slowly, but surely. I called the family when I got to the grocery store. I got the grocery list before talking to Marialice. “Hon, I need you to know something. It went off. I just needed to tell you.” I explained the incident and shared her grief. We hung on the phone for a long time while I wandered through the aisles. We talked about how hard this felt, to have been given the green light, and then have it snatched away. A darker side of this reality began to emerge. What could I really do? Was the bike riding really being taken away?
We found later that my heart had been in arrhythmia. It had jumped up to 230 beats per minute five times in a row, and every time the defibrillator had jammed it back down to 120. Again, I was grateful that the machine worked. But a whole new set of fears emerged.
I think I still assumed that the whole problem was caused by my stupidity on a long hot ride. I assumed that if I was smart and careful I’d never get in trouble again. I assumed the defibrillator was insurance, but wouldn’t ever be needed. I was wrong. We started thinking of how lucky I was even in this incident. I was on a soft dirt road and wasn’t riding the narrow lanes of McCallie avenue surrounded by rush hour traffic. But should I go there? Things get darker.
| By rob | 10:20 AM
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