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18 de Febrero 2008
Memoir - Chapter 8: Emotional Differences
Note: This is part of a larger series. Start here to read the whole thing.
One of the hardest things about my recovery has been the widely different emotional reactions that Marialice and I have had facing this time.
The experience itself was very different for each of us. I did not have to be ushered out of a room, where my beloved spouse was in trauma while emergency doctors prepared to perform emergency measures. I didn’t have to face the chance I’d never see my spouse alive again. I did not have to give that spouse up again 3 times, watching him wheeled down the hall to the uncertain destination of surgery. Nor did I have the joy of return, of being reunited with that person I gave up for lost (or feared might be lost). I didn’t face the same terrors and I didn’t rejoice with the same gratitude.
When I came home from the hospital, while I was grappling with weakness and illness, angry at new limitations, Marialice had the joy of seeing again one she thought lost. She was experiencing Christ’s love in my salvation. I wanted her to share my grief and she wanted me to experience the rejoicing. I wanted her to feel my pain and she wanted me to feel the love of Christ.
We weren’t on the same page.
And the differences have continued in the last few months. I think Marialice has given me up every time I leave the house on the bike. She asked me not to ride alone, or to ride on the main streets to work. And yet I have persisted, returning to old habits that had really become part of who I am. So every time I leave, Marialice has faced a little bit of the fear I might not return, and grieved my loss for that moment.
I on the other hand, have ridden off in joy, in exuberance and gratitude at the return of an activity that I love so much, something that is really part of me. I have been the one feeling the rush of riding and the possibility of strength.
We haven’t been on the same page.
In our marriage it has been hard to see through each others eyes. In the presence of these differences it is so easy to silence ourselves in our own worlds rather than face each other. It has always been hard to communicate our emotions strongly and honestly in the midst of difference’s discomfort. It has been far too easy merely to capitulate or disagree “Oh you are right…let’s not face this difference” “Oh, that’s not what you feel, it must be this way.” Neither have been helpful.
We’ve been prone to back away, to leave each other alone in the midst of our own emotions. We’ll touch briefly the differences we face in a quiet moment, or late at night when we are going to bed, but our normal behavior is to stay in front of the computer or dive deep into a book and not face each other. That has made our work difficult.
The story continues toward greater connection and communication, but that is another chapter.
| By rob | 10:00 AM
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